BIG kingdom or little kingdom?

I have one question for you, "Which kingdom do you serve, the big kingdom (God's) or the little kingdom (yours)?  I know you want to say "The big kingdom, that's a no brainer."  I would be willing to bet, however, that isn't the case.  Don't worry, I know that I have spent much energy, time and resources building up the "Kingdom of Shelly".  I'm not writing to point fingers but to point out something I've read this week and that has been on my heart.  I'm reading the book A Quest For More by Paul Tripp.  I started it earlier in the summer at the same time I started another book and it just lost my interest in comparison.  I made it to the end of chapter three and put it down.  I was really thinking that after I finished the first book that I would try another book, but I asked our team leader if he liked it and his face slightly lit up at the mentioning.  He said he really liked it, so who was I to argue his opinion.  I picked it back up and took another stab at it.  I had heard that it was a slow starter and now I'm a believer.  Chapter four, "Welcome to My Little Kingdom", is where the book really takes a turn for the best (solely my opinion), and chapter six is what hit so heavy.  "The Costume Kingdom" chapter was eye-opening to say the least.  It starts off with a definition of masquerade.

mas-quer-ade: to pretend to be someone or something that you are not 


"The bottom line:  The most dangerous thing about the kingdom if self is how easily it masquerades as the kingdom of God."

Whoa!!  Heart-check anyone?  I've heard about living for the different kingdoms, but to mask one to look like the other?  I've seen many times where I've built up a nice, neat, little kingdom with a population of one.  I know there is sin in my heart that will cause me to do it many times before I see Jesus in the air, but it stung and caught me off guard that I was so good a painting a mask.  I've painted a masterpiece that I've pulled out many times and worn around that makes me look like I'm living for the kingdom of God, but really at the root of my actions are selfish ambitions.  And to think, I've even fooled myself many times!

"It is quite possible for you to be convinced that you are living for the transcendent glories of the kingdom of God when you are, in fact, living for yourself.  Be warned!  Be scared!  The little kingdom is a costume kingdom, and it is deviously promoted by a costume king -- Satan himself.  The little kingdom will quite regularly don the latex masks of outward participation in worship, obedience, and ministry.  It will appear as though it is serving the King of kings and Lord of lords, when daily it is bowing before the throne of self.  Driven by earth-bound treasures and anxiety-bound needs, its worship can only be the worship of self."-- A Quest For More, Paul David Tripp

I'm quite confident that I'm not alone.  If I were there would be little reason for this author to have written this chapter and little experience from which he was motivated.  This is something I believe most Christians don't realize.  Most of us will sometimes become aware that we are serving the kingdom of self but will not truly understand, nor conceive how big that tiny little thing seems.  You know, I hate to keep quoting the book, but then again, I don't.  The truth is the truth, and when it's good, it's good.

"If you look around in your life and the lives of fellow Christians, you will see fruit that is not the result of a joyful commitment to the transcendent glories of God's kingdom.  Instead, these things are the fruit of serving the self, while masquerading as living for the King.  Bad fruit results because 'less' has taken on the costume of 'more.'  In a very illusive way, the transcendent glories of the kingdom of God have been shrunk down to the size of my earth-bound treasures and my anxiety-bound needs.  It is not the fruit of remembering the Father and being freed to give myself to his kingdom.  No, it is the fruit of forgetting the Father and making sure that I actually get what I have told myself I need.  And remember, all this takes place in the form of worship, obedience, and ministry."

Gross!  It's absolutely repulsing to think that I've built my own kingdom and serve myself as the ruler of that dinky, unstable, pitiful-looking thing.  All of this seems silly when I think of the kingdom of God in all of it's glory (more than my human mind is capable of grasping really).  Shellyland has a population of one and that one is completely consumed with herself.  Heaven holds many called by Him and for Him, all of which are serving One much, much bigger than themselves.  We've traded in more for less and we don't even realize.

God, I confess to You that I have my own kingdom.  I confess to You that not only do I have my own kingdom, but it's up and running regularly.  I confess to You that I'm selfish and that I've lived for much less than what my original design intended.  God, in the moments You've written out for these words to weigh heavy on my heart, I trust You.  I trust that grace is lavished upon me, that You know what's best, that You are working all things together for my good, and that You spared not Your own Son.  Lord, thank You.  

create in me

Oh hello sinful nature, didn't expect to see you here...

Whew, what a week!  You won't believe it.  Shelly followed me all the way to Thailand.  She packed up her nasty, disgusting bags and hopped on the plane in Birmingham.  Haven't really noticed her until this past week, but boy did she make an appearance!

Thank You, Lord, for showing me the parts of me that I don't want to see; the parts that break Your heart and give satan a playground.  The parts of me that look like a clogged toilet.  Lord, the parts of me that You've put as far as the east is from the west from my identity.  God, those parts that held Jesus to the cross, that now are so far from me that I look like Christ when You see me.

"...for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ" - Galatians 3:27
" For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." - Colossians 3:3


This week has been tough seeing the sin in my life.   One thing is for sure though, we're never alone.  In the last blog I said something about being a team and learning and growing as a team and the Body.  It's still true.  I'm not the only one in Thailand seeing the faithfulness of God.  In showing us our sin, He's shown us much more about Himself.  When I see the greatness of my sin I see my need for the Gospel and my need for the saving grace He's so mercifully bestowed upon us.  In seeing my sin, I see my faith grow.  I see the parts of my heart that hurt my Jesus.  I remember there is no strength apart from struggle and that He is sovereign.  I remember that I'm not here as Shelly for Shelly, but here as Shelly, a daughter of the King, for the Kingdom and the glory of God.  One thing I know that is greater than my sins is the grace by which they are covered.

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." - 1 Peter 5:10


I've been blessed over and over this week.  Last night God so graciously afforded me the opportunity to talk about Him and Christ with someone who knew almost nothing of the two.  Who am I to represent the Lord?  Answer:  His chosen ambassador.

We listened to a sermon a few days ago by Tim Keller titled "Blessed Self-Forgetfulness".  Have you ever tried to forget yourself?  I mean really tried!  I would say if you've tried, then you've failed.  And if you haven't thought about it then chances are, you've failed as well.   I know, welcome to a world where you're best isn't good enough.  Isn't it beautiful!  "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is make perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)  The scripture used in the sermon was 1 Corinthians 3:21-4:7.  The part that made my ears perk up was in verse 3 of chapter 4.  Paul writes, " I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself."  What!?  Who does Paul think he is making such a statement.  Not only does he not care what others think, but he's even belittled his own thoughts concerning himself.  And we, we cannot even get away from ourselves.  Like I said, Shelly packed up and took a vacation to Thailand.  If we aren't building ourselves up and taking pride in the way we look, the wealth we've obtained, our talents and even our 'spirituality', we tear ourselves down and get caught up in self-condemnation.  Either way, it's all about us.  Paul had reached the understanding that even his evaluation of himself was not in any way tied to his identity.  Convicted?  I think so, and for good reason.  We are good at saying our salvation is in God and that we are hidden in Christ, but we are also good at not living in that.

Lord, I am weak.  I am selfish and self-consumed, wrapped up in what others think, wicked beyond what my mind can even comprehend.  But, even these things are not tied to my identity.  I pray that by Your grace I will forever find my identity in Christ, resting in the sonship along with Him.  I am Your's and You are mine.  Create in me a pure heart, O Lord, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.  Make me more like a child....

opportunity to depend

Welcome to a world of different.  Almost everything here in Thailand is exactly that, different.  The food is different, the people are different, traveling and traffic are different, the beds are different, the climate and the creatures are also, you guessed it, different.  I could go on and on, but no need, I'm sure you get the picture.  We're not in America anymore.  And it's a pure blessing.  We're just over a week in and in the words of one of our team members, we are "hitting walls" with some of the differences.  It's getting tough for some of us to eat rice for every meal, tough to go to campus everyday with a smile on and new questions on our minds to have new conversation with the same people we've been having small talk with all week.  It's exhausting for some to carry on conversations with people who don't even speak our language.  And yet, a pure blessing.  In these times of exhaustion and plain discomfort we are being stretched.  We are growing.  In perspective training this morning we learned that this summer is going to be tough.  But that we already knew.  What he pointed out that I found to be a nugget was that this summer our comforts will be taken away and the sin in our hearts are going to start bubbling to the top out of a lack of depression.  If we were at home we could go to the nearest coffee shop and wind down, we could curl up in a nice cozy bed and have a "me" day, go out with some friends to our favorite restaurant and order our favorite dish, or even just call up our bff and have a chat.  Whatever comforts we have at home did not follow us here to Thailand and it's in having these comforts things go unnoticed.  There's not much chance to be alone here either; just one of the many things our hearts are going to have to sift through.  Transparency, anyone?  Normally, I would say no thank you, but here that's not an option.  We will learn as the Body and grow as the Body.

Going to campus this week has been an awesome experience.  I've had the opportunity to everyday ask God to be my smile, my words and to give me questions and boldness.  I've loved it!  He has been faithful in each day.

The Thai people have made me consider how I treat others.  They don't know us from the man in the moon, but they have a genuine interest in each of us.  My ministry group goes everyday to make friends in a department known as the TESOL.  These young men and women are learning English and how to teach it.  Because of that, a great number of them speak very good English, and since we can't speak Thai, communication is made possible.  This is not exactly the case for other ministry groups, but they are seeing fruit of their own.  The girls we sit with will share their lunch with us and even buy us some food now and then.  I've had them buy me an ice cream cone and some fruit.  They have such goodness in them.   I'm looking forward to knowing some of them better and definitely excited to hear, maybe years down the road, about who God has called to Himself.  The opportunity to depend has made me more like a child.  

The Canteen where we eat lunch everyday.  Can't really tell in the pic but it's like a huge pavilion.

 Our ministry team out to dinner Friday night.

This little boy was completely fearless.  Not the case when the snakes started coming towards us.