overwhelmed

“Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God!  How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!

‘For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?’

‘Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?’

For from him and through him and to him are all things.  To him be glory forever. Amen.”  Romans 11:33-36

I’m overwhelmed with thankfulness as I think of all I’ve seen the Lord moving in this semester.  I know that my words are insufficient to offer thanks to Him for His love and for His grace.  There are many things He’s shown me and put on my heart in the past few months.  I have much to praise Him for and the best part is that He’s shown me some of it!  My heart is compelled to love Him because He is more than worthy of my love and because He loves me and shows me what love is. 

In this attempt to share of what He’s doing, I know I will leave things out and some people will go unmentioned.  However, I trust in His sovereignty and that He will get the glory He deserves apart from my communication abilities and memory.  I’ve been reminded lately of His love for me.  We talk so much about God bringing all things together for His glory that it has been easy to overlook His love for us.  I am not offended that He is in control and that His name is glorified, I just haven’t found joy in His love for me many times.  In the story of the fall, “The Jesus Storybook Bible” says it like this,

                “God loved his children too much to let the story end there.  Even though he knew he would suffer, God had a plan – a magnificent dream.  One day, he would get his children back.  One day, he would make the world their perfect home again.  And one day, he would wipe away every tear from their eyes. 

                You see, no matter what, in spite of everything, God would love his children – with a Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love.

                And though they would forget him, and run from him, deep in their hearts, God’s children would miss him always, and long for him – lost children yearning for their home.”

The Lord says of Himself in Exodus 34:6-7 “The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin…”.  And Jesus in John 15:13-14 calls us friends and says, “Greater love has no one than this that someone lay down his life for his friends.”

What is love?

According to Webster’s:  unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.  But John Piper points out that Love is Sacrifice, Suffering, Dying.  The two are intertwined and they are true of the God who has called me to Himself.  Paul writes about God in Philippians 1 that he is sure “that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ”.  Paul has experienced the loyalty of the Father.  As Easter is quickly approaching, we are reminded of His sacrifice, His suffering, and His death.  What better example of love have we to know?  None.  His surpasses them all.  Humility overtakes me when my heart ponders His love.  I am not only undeserving, but ill-deserving.  I am not worthy of His love and grace.  I deserve death and hell for the rebellion in my heart. 

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved – and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.  For by grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.  For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” – Ephesians 2:4-10

If I were to talk about His love every second until the day I die, I still would be lacking in sufficient praise.  But here I will mention many evidences of His love and praise Him for it.

I have a conviction for pouring my life into others.  I think this was manifest this past summer as I labored alongside a woman giving close to every ounce of herself away for the sake of the Gospel to go forth into the nation of Thailand.  She has a real love for God and, through His grace, a real love for the students at Khon Kaen University.  Four of us were put on her team to go with her as she built relationships with a group of students learning to teach English.  She served us and them in many ways, but what comes to mind in the moment is the example she served as.  I think it was in this that I have grown to love giving my own life away.  What use is it if it’s not used for the furthering of His kingdom?  My time here is short and I want to spend it on Him; He is more powerful, more majestic, more holy, more divine, longer-lasting, full of more grace than any other thing I could live for.  I have found much in Him and hope for others to as well.

This semester has been so much fun and super encouraging.  Last semester was tough and time was tight.  I can remember scheduling classes for this semester and seeing how great my classes would be and how much more disposable time I would have and I would catch myself neglecting to live in that present time.  My thoughts often navigated to this semester and the ease I felt would accompany me.  So far, I haven’t been wrong.  Time is still tight; the difference is I have more freedom in how I spend it.  In January, just before school was about to start, I felt the Lord leading me to be intentional with girls this semester.  This is my last semester taking classes on campus and, like I said, my classes are cake in comparison to my classes in the fall.  Anyway, I felt like I was in a place that I could do this and was able to quit my job on good terms and start pursuing girls.  I love challenging girls in their walk.  I have been challenged for the past three years and through it God has been shaping and strengthening my faith.  I would love similar experiences for others.  God has given me much to know about Him and He has allowed me to sit under much teaching and training. I am now called to give that away.  “Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more”-Luke 12:48.  He has given me girls to give it to.  I have been blessed with the opportunity to lead a bible study within Alpha Delta Chi as well as push two different groups of girls to an understanding of the Gospel.  One of the girls has even come alongside me to lead one of the groups.  My heart is overwhelmed with thankfulness and with joy as I have been allowed to see girls grow in their faith and receive a vision for others to know about God what He has made known to them.  I don’t by any means think myself worthy of this or have the knowledge necessary to point girls toward the cross.  The Spirit within me enables me.  I’ve discovered something that may sound extremely egotistical and I don’t mean for it to at all, but I have been given a position of influence.  I know that people look up to me and that my opinion is valued.  I feel ridiculous even typing that, arrogant in a way.  But I think in this knowledge I now am to live to a higher standard.  If I were to live like I didn’t influence others, I think that it would be like me stealing something from the Lord.  I can’t take from Him what is His apart from His allowing me to, but for me to live a frivolous life would be a waste of what I have received.  He has given me favor with others for many reasons.  And I will say, and I would hope this is always the case but it won’t be, I will fail and sin, I will say “Yes Lord, I will live in such a way that I acknowledge what You have given me and will make the most of every opportunity so that Your love may be known wherever my life exists.  May it exist and may my heart beat only if it is to Your glory, never to my own.  Be my words, be my hope, be my strength and my security, guide my feet and captivate my heart and mind.”

Remember the story we looked at about the Fall earlier?  Well, today has been set aside for us to recall that God did come back for His beloved children.  He sent His Son into the world as the Rescuer.  As I type this, we are in the sixth hour and in Matthew we read that from the sixth hour to the ninth hour there was darkness all over the land.  Jesus had spent the last ten or plus hours enduring pain beyond our comprehension.  The night before, He spent time in fellowship with His closest friends and by morning they had all abandoned Him.  It was said of his betrayer that it would have been better for him to have not been born.  He was accused by the very ones who called themselves God’s.  He had been stripped of His clothes and mocked as the King.  He was beaten beyond recognition and the very hands that had healed many were secured to a cross by Roman soldiers’ hammers beating nails into His wrists.  His body was broken and His blood poured out that I may receive forgiveness.  He hung before His Father accused of every wicked thing I have ever done, and not my sin only, but the sin of all those who will one day come into His kingdom, lay on Him.  He endured ALL of God’s anger, ALL of God’s hatred, ALL of God’s righteous indignation toward sin and He endured separation from God so that we, as a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, and a people for His own possession, can stand before God pure, as if we had never sinned.  What a story! What a God!

“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.  The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him.  Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is.  And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure.”  1 John 3:1-3

Lord, Thank You. 

loss

Man! What a semester, and the next one starts in two days!  It has been about five and a half months since we arrived back in the states and the school semester soon followed.  There was thing after little thing fighting for my attention over the course of the semester.  I was busier than ever with school and had little time for reflection and intentional efforts at growth.  The projects were piled on and we had group meetings to no end it seemed.  It truly was like no other (past and I hope future).  Once classes ended and finals were taken, I worked.  Who knew the mall was so busy during the holiday season? 

As I sit and reflect in these moments, I try to find a theme, a lesson, a revelation.  I think the theme that comes to mind is the most recent and not one that is overarching.  This is loss.  I had the privilege to talk for some time last night to one much wiser and loving than myself.  Really, I get to call her friend, but one topic that came up was death.  I'm terrible at remembering conversation and this slightly annoying trait has produced an inability to remember the progression of the conversation.  How did it get there?  What exactly was said?  I don't know.  What I do know though, is that we had a slight disagreement on loss.  We started talking about the sadness of losing one another.  Now, we both possess, by no means of our own or any works of our hands but only the sheer, encompassing, transforming grace of God, an eternity of much marvel, magnificence, joy, treasures, fellowship, free from death.  We have both been given a life after this one that is much better, much more fulfilling.  Because it brought Him more glory, God saw fit to call us both to Himself and to cover us with the righteous blood of His Son Jesus.  This, this is love, this is worthy of worship and of praise and adoration.  And that's exactly what our eternity will look like.  Upon death in this world, we both get to enjoy the best that could ever be offered to man, God Himself with His Son and Spirit.  With this picture of life after death, I ponder, why do we cry when people meet death? Why do our hearts ache so when we lose brothers and sisters in Christ to Christ?  My conclusion and statements in our conversation were very much black and white.  I concluded that sadness will find us in loss of a person, but a rejoicing is due for our coheir with Christ.  They've finished the race and completed the task set before them and they are where we look forward to being.  Paul said, "To live is Christ, but to die is GAIN."  These were my thoughts on the matter, but my friend, in her wisdom, reminded me of the reality of death.  She has experienced death in a much different way than I have.  She has endured the death of her father and she has seen and lived with the pain of loss.  In my head I was thinking of the loss of a person and my thoughts centered more around that individual than they did around the individuals they had left behind.  Individuals left behind lose priceless possessions, irreplaceable relationships.  They are left with only memories, good and bad.  They are also left with one another.  A lot of times, a loss of life effects an entire family.  I cannot imagine what it's like to try and cope with a loss with others who are hurting just as bad, grieving just as much, crying just as often, and wondering why just as frequently.  Where is the constant?  Where is the fountain of peace?  Death is tough.  It's certainly hard to understand.  I've only ever been on the outside looking into someone's hurt, despair, and anguish in grieving the loss of a friend, a brother, a sister, a dad, a classmate.  I'm not an expert by no stretch of the imagination. "Jesus wept." He was sad at the death of Lazarus.  It hurt.

 What I do like that my friend said is that we grieve much more than life.  Death is ultimate of course, but we grieve friendships, we grieve health, wealth, good times, youth, memories, the loss of a family pet or our favorite book, our cell phone.  We even grieve things that never were, plans we had for our lives that just simply never worked out. 

I DO NOT deny that the loss is painful and that it hurts.  I do not claim that it is wrong to grieve what once was.  I do.  I miss things often.   The thing I miss most often these days is Thailand.  We've been back for over five months, but there literally has not been a day since that Thailand in some way has not made it into my mind, captivated my thoughts.  I grieve the loss of closeness that I currently possess with friends.  How?  I think of how in a year I will be graduated and living no longer among my peers.  I'm grieving the friendships that are doing fine.  How silly!  What I've seen in myself with grief is most often a heart issue.  The past few months I longed for a break, a few days to nothing and to think about anything but math (my major).  I was grieving.  I wanted so much to be back across the world with the Gospel as my focus.  But that was not the Lord's plan.  The issue?  There was this saying I once heard that answers this question.  "Hold onto the people and things that you love tight with your hand but loosely with your heart."  I wanted to hold on tight with both.  I was missing out on the blessings of the present, wanting what I didn't have and dwelling on things I could not change.  I had grabbed a hold of the wrong thing with my heart.  God's plan for me was playing out right in front of me, but I was facing the wrong way.  I could not see the opportunities I was given to take the Gospel forth right where I was.  I think many times grief blinds us.  It blinds us to needs, to people, to opportunities, to joy that surrounds us.  I do believe it has its time and season.  I also think that we spend a lot of time petting our hurts and looking behind instead of moving on and charging ahead.  But, I believe in the sovereignty of God and if someone is having trouble seeing Him move and joining Him in the present, then He will get glory for that.  I don't think I've proven anything here, or was planning on it.  This is just simply my thoughts typed out and posted to the internet lol.  Much like a child, I fall, I press on, I learn, I grow, and I get up.

 
 I will sing of the steadfast love of the LORD, forever;
  with my mouth I will make known your faithfulness to all generations.
 For I said, “Steadfast love will be built up forever;
  in the heavens you will establish your faithfulness.”
 You have said, “I have made a covenant with my chosen one;
  I have sworn to David my servant:
 ‘I will establish your offspring forever,
  and build your throne for all generations.’” Selah
 Let the heavens praise your wonders, O LORD,
  your faithfulness in the assembly of the holy ones!
 For who in the skies can be compared to the LORD?
  Who among the heavenly beings is like the LORD,
 a God greatly to be feared in the council of the holy ones,
  and awesome above all who are around him?
 O LORD God of hosts,
  who is mighty as you are, O LORD,
  with your faithfulness all around you?
 You rule the raging of the sea;
  when its waves rise, you still them.
 You crushed Rahab like a carcass;
  you scattered your enemies with your mighty arm.
 The heavens are yours; the earth also is yours;
  the world and all that is in it, you have founded them.
 The north and the south, you have created them;
  Tabor and Hermon joyously praise your name.
 You have a mighty arm;
  strong is your hand, high your right hand.
 Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne;
  steadfast love and faithfulness go before you.
 Blessed are the people who know the festal shout,
  who walk, O LORD, in the light of your face,
 who exult in your name all the day
  and in your righteousness are exalted.
 For you are the glory of their strength;
  by your favor our horn is exalted.
 For our shield belongs to the LORD,
  our king to the Holy One of Israel.
(Psalm 89:1-18 ESV)