Monday, January 9, 2012

loss

Man! What a semester, and the next one starts in two days!  It has been about five and a half months since we arrived back in the states and the school semester soon followed.  There was thing after little thing fighting for my attention over the course of the semester.  I was busier than ever with school and had little time for reflection and intentional efforts at growth.  The projects were piled on and we had group meetings to no end it seemed.  It truly was like no other (past and I hope future).  Once classes ended and finals were taken, I worked.  Who knew the mall was so busy during the holiday season? 

As I sit and reflect in these moments, I try to find a theme, a lesson, a revelation.  I think the theme that comes to mind is the most recent and not one that is overarching.  This is loss.  I had the privilege to talk for some time last night to one much wiser and loving than myself.  Really, I get to call her friend, but one topic that came up was death.  I'm terrible at remembering conversation and this slightly annoying trait has produced an inability to remember the progression of the conversation.  How did it get there?  What exactly was said?  I don't know.  What I do know though, is that we had a slight disagreement on loss.  We started talking about the sadness of losing one another.  Now, we both possess, by no means of our own or any works of our hands but only the sheer, encompassing, transforming grace of God, an eternity of much marvel, magnificence, joy, treasures, fellowship, free from death.  We have both been given a life after this one that is much better, much more fulfilling.  Because it brought Him more glory, God saw fit to call us both to Himself and to cover us with the righteous blood of His Son Jesus.  This, this is love, this is worthy of worship and of praise and adoration.  And that's exactly what our eternity will look like.  Upon death in this world, we both get to enjoy the best that could ever be offered to man, God Himself with His Son and Spirit.  With this picture of life after death, I ponder, why do we cry when people meet death? Why do our hearts ache so when we lose brothers and sisters in Christ to Christ?  My conclusion and statements in our conversation were very much black and white.  I concluded that sadness will find us in loss of a person, but a rejoicing is due for our coheir with Christ.  They've finished the race and completed the task set before them and they are where we look forward to being.  Paul said, "To live is Christ, but to die is GAIN."  These were my thoughts on the matter, but my friend, in her wisdom, reminded me of the reality of death.  She has experienced death in a much different way than I have.  She has endured the death of her father and she has seen and lived with the pain of loss.  In my head I was thinking of the loss of a person and my thoughts centered more around that individual than they did around the individuals they had left behind.  Individuals left behind lose priceless possessions, irreplaceable relationships.  They are left with only memories, good and bad.  They are also left with one another.  A lot of times, a loss of life effects an entire family.  I cannot imagine what it's like to try and cope with a loss with others who are hurting just as bad, grieving just as much, crying just as often, and wondering why just as frequently.  Where is the constant?  Where is the fountain of peace?  Death is tough.  It's certainly hard to understand.  I've only ever been on the outside looking into someone's hurt, despair, and anguish in grieving the loss of a friend, a brother, a sister, a dad, a classmate.  I'm not an expert by no stretch of the imagination. "Jesus wept." He was sad at the death of Lazarus.  It hurt.

 What I do like that my friend said is that we grieve much more than life.  Death is ultimate of course, but we grieve friendships, we grieve health, wealth, good times, youth, memories, the loss of a family pet or our favorite book, our cell phone.  We even grieve things that never were, plans we had for our lives that just simply never worked out. 

I DO NOT deny that the loss is painful and that it hurts.  I do not claim that it is wrong to grieve what once was.  I do.  I miss things often.   The thing I miss most often these days is Thailand.  We've been back for over five months, but there literally has not been a day since that Thailand in some way has not made it into my mind, captivated my thoughts.  I grieve the loss of closeness that I currently possess with friends.  How?  I think of how in a year I will be graduated and living no longer among my peers.  I'm grieving the friendships that are doing fine.  How silly!  What I've seen in myself with grief is most often a heart issue.  The past few months I longed for a break, a few days to nothing and to think about anything but math (my major).  I was grieving.  I wanted so much to be back across the world with the Gospel as my focus.  But that was not the Lord's plan.  The issue?  There was this saying I once heard that answers this question.  "Hold onto the people and things that you love tight with your hand but loosely with your heart."  I wanted to hold on tight with both.  I was missing out on the blessings of the present, wanting what I didn't have and dwelling on things I could not change.  I had grabbed a hold of the wrong thing with my heart.  God's plan for me was playing out right in front of me, but I was facing the wrong way.  I could not see the opportunities I was given to take the Gospel forth right where I was.  I think many times grief blinds us.  It blinds us to needs, to people, to opportunities, to joy that surrounds us.  I do believe it has its time and season.  I also think that we spend a lot of time petting our hurts and looking behind instead of moving on and charging ahead.  But, I believe in the sovereignty of God and if someone is having trouble seeing Him move and joining Him in the present, then He will get glory for that.  I don't think I've proven anything here, or was planning on it.  This is just simply my thoughts typed out and posted to the internet lol.  Much like a child, I fall, I press on, I learn, I grow, and I get up.

 
 I will sing of the steadfast love of the LORD, forever;
  with my mouth I will make known your faithfulness to all generations.
 For I said, “Steadfast love will be built up forever;
  in the heavens you will establish your faithfulness.”
 You have said, “I have made a covenant with my chosen one;
  I have sworn to David my servant:
 ‘I will establish your offspring forever,
  and build your throne for all generations.’” Selah
 Let the heavens praise your wonders, O LORD,
  your faithfulness in the assembly of the holy ones!
 For who in the skies can be compared to the LORD?
  Who among the heavenly beings is like the LORD,
 a God greatly to be feared in the council of the holy ones,
  and awesome above all who are around him?
 O LORD God of hosts,
  who is mighty as you are, O LORD,
  with your faithfulness all around you?
 You rule the raging of the sea;
  when its waves rise, you still them.
 You crushed Rahab like a carcass;
  you scattered your enemies with your mighty arm.
 The heavens are yours; the earth also is yours;
  the world and all that is in it, you have founded them.
 The north and the south, you have created them;
  Tabor and Hermon joyously praise your name.
 You have a mighty arm;
  strong is your hand, high your right hand.
 Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne;
  steadfast love and faithfulness go before you.
 Blessed are the people who know the festal shout,
  who walk, O LORD, in the light of your face,
 who exult in your name all the day
  and in your righteousness are exalted.
 For you are the glory of their strength;
  by your favor our horn is exalted.
 For our shield belongs to the LORD,
  our king to the Holy One of Israel.
(Psalm 89:1-18 ESV)